But I Can Change
From the narcissists prospective..
But I Can Change
From the narcissists prospective..
Proof the narcissist abuses you intentionally and will never change
— Read on narcwise.com/2018/03/02/proof-the-narcissist-abuses-you-intentionally-and-will-never-change/
Today in the world and in the news we hear the word narcissism quite often, but if you were to ask the general public what makes someone a narcissist would they be able to tell you?
Would they say it is someone who is full of themselves? Would they say it is someone who is arrogant and conceited and thinks they are better than everyone else?
This announcement is incredibly important. As you read on you will understand why.
The truth is, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is much more sinister then that…
It is to do with raising world awareness of what Narcissistic Personality Disorder really is. The world, including media, health organisations, legal systems and psychologists and counsellors, as well as the general community have an incredibly limited understanding.
This allows narcissists to operate in homes and corporations undetected, causing incredible damage to individuals, families, children, future generations and society as a whole.
It is time that the REAL information was exposed and brought out into the open.
Narcissists exist all over the world, in every social bracket, and personally destroy the lives of those around them.
In relation to intimate relationships, narcissists sweep into people’s lives full of charm and promise and leave them reeling in devastation.
Narcissists are able to lie to you without batting an eyelid – feigning their sincerity, values and monogamy, and can tell you that you are the person they have been waiting for all of their life.
The narcissist will become your ‘dream partner’ – and they will declare that their love and attention is all about you – but nothing could be further from the truth.
You believe you have met ‘the one’ – your true soul mate. In time, this person who has professed their undying love to you becomes your worst enemy – punishing you, hurting you, attacking you with any means possible and trying to turn your family, children and friends against you.
You will be shattered at how purposefully the narcissist starts destroying your life, reputation, taking your money, energy and emotional wellbeing whilst proclaiming to all and sundry that you are the disordered one.
Narcissists not only damage intimate partners, they also inflict incredible terror, pain and psychological damage on children, and create dysfunctional future generations. They continue to breed cycles of abusers and the abused. Narcissists are an incredible blight on society as a whole.
Despite writing as many articles on narcissism as I have, I still receive dozens of emails each week asking – “Is this person in my life really a narcissist, or just someone who (fill in the gap)?”…
I know this confusion occurs for two main reasons:
1) Until you have encountered a narcissistic person you have no idea what the ‘crazy making’ is. Most people think they are losing their mind, because what the narcissist does doesn’t fit into any acceptable human model, and until you have experienced and understood it there is no point of reference.
2) The perverse chemical addiction to a narcissist means you are mentally, emotionally and physiologically ‘hooked’. As a result your mind tries to find all sorts of reasons and excuses to exonerate the narcissist.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) explains the symptoms of NPD as the following:
There is also a belief (Wikipedia also states this) that NPD affects approximately 1% of the community.
When we can understand narcissism intimately, which involves the inability to be vulnerable (admit defects) or take personal responsibility for their flaws, we can realise just how few narcissists would ever seek an NPD diagnosis or allow themselves to be exposed enough to be diagnosed.
Narcissists are the ultimate False Selves – they wear masks whenever possible, and especially to avoid scrutiny.
Therefore I believe this ‘percentage’ is quite frankly ludicrous.
This is my belief about the DSM-5 list. It explains only some of the traits of the narcissist and certainly does not explain the ‘mask’ the narcissist wears to lure you in, extract narcissistic supply from you and hide his or her true damaged, shameful and disordered self.
This list also certainly does not even come close to the accurate description of the outrageous, malicious and pathological behavior narcissists commonly act out.
There are also irregularities in the existing DSM-5 list. Point one as an example is not accurate. There are narcissists who secure accomplishments. Narcissists brag and demand recognition regardless of whether their achievements are real or not.
Many people reading the DSM-5 explanation may think “Yes, some of these apply, but this person can be so loving and wonderful. So then how can he or she be a narcissist?”
The narcissist in between narcissistic bouts (when his or her severely damaged true self appears), is a consummate chameleon and can appear as the most loving, accepting, supportive person you can imagine.
This is how narcissists get narcissistic supply (their all-consuming need for outside attention in order to emotionally survive). They have to pretend they are someone they are not.
As a result of years of assisting thousands of people recover from narcissistic abuse (and knowing their stories intimately), as well as my own recovery from two narcissistic relationships (a classic and then an altruistic narcissist), I would like to share with you my definitions of a narcissist.
Before I do, it is important to realise that there are people who can be self-absorbed, and even selfish who do not have NPD. These people may even have superiority complexes, exaggerate their accomplishments and credentials and fail to have sufficient empathy for others in need.
This could make a person painful to be around, and disappointing to have a relationship with, but it certainly does NOT define the horrendous destruction and tragedies which narcissists create for the non-narcissistic human community.
There are, in my opinion, absolute trademarks for an individual with NPD, trademarks which need to understood and circulated.
These behaviours cross the line from human to inhumane and in my opinion (because I have never heard or witnessed one reported case of ‘it working out ‘or ‘he / she got better’ with a person who displays some, many or all of these behaviours) means this person has NPD – and therefore is malicious and untreatable, and intensely dangerous and destructive to others.
It is very important to understand that upon meeting the narcissist and even the first weeks, or months with this person the following behaviour will not be evident – however commonly there will be ‘red flags’. There will be events like exes making contact with you, stories that don’t feel ‘quite right’, or strange reactions, accusations, put downs, insecure comments, or signs of taking umbrage that leave you feeling ‘weird’ ‘wrong’ or even intensely unsafe.
Too many people have rationalised away these ‘signs’ and paid gravely for it later.
The following behaviours constitute an individual who will put you at severe risk emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially and often times sexually and physically – and if you hang on to a relationship with this person, you could be taken all the way to your demise as a result of the narcissistic cycles of idealise then devalue and discard.
When you see the list of these extremely common narcissistic behaviours you will understand why they are so destructive.
If you are being abused by a narcissist, I understand you may think that you are the only person who is experiencing this insanity and tormenting behaviour. However when you read the stories of countless others, you would realise just how common and stock standard these narcissistic behaviors are.
NPD Behaviour is:
One of the most sure-fire ways to know you are with a narcissist is identifying how a narcissist argues. To say a narcissist fights dirty, with no conscience and out of bounds twisted behaviour is an understatement.
If you feel like you are trying to have a conversation with an angry, insane, malicious five year old child, and this ‘conversation’ feels like you are losing your grip on reality because a good smattering of the tactics below are being used – you can be 100% sure it is with a narcissist.
Because it is ONLY people with narcissistic personality disorder who EVER communicate like this.
The list of the arsenal the narcissist holds and uses when arguing with you is this:
It is important to understand why narcissists behave in such cruel, calculating and malicious ways. Narcissists are severely emotionally damaged people, who decided at a young age that the internal pain of ‘You are worthless, no good, defective and unlovable’ meant that the narcissist had to ‘kill off’ his or her true self, and create a False Self as a buffer in its place.
The False Self is a pathological façade constructed to gain praise, admiration, attention and be seen as omnipotent or special compared to others.
This pathological self has no resources to feel whole or at peace, and the narcissist needs ‘energy’ from the outside world constantly reflected back to him or her to know he or she exists.
The narcissist needs attention and significance (known as Narcissistic Supply) to avoid the pain, and to gain some relief, just like a heroin addict does. A narcissist will do whatever it takes without conscience or remorse to keep feeding the False Self.
People and things are reduced to mere objects in order to provide narcissistic supply, and are punished severely and cruelly when they don’t supply it adequately.
The tragic thing is that narcissists have also been victims of victims. It is only scared and hurt people who hurt others. We can have compassion for this fact, but must firmly realise narcissists do not heal, resolve and evolve past their atrocious behaviour. They refuse to admit defects, be vulnerable or apply self-humility, which are the essential ingredients for personal growth.
If you have never experienced a narcissist, you may shake your head in disbelief that there are people who behave like these lists above – let alone be able to believe there is a huge cluster of people on this planet who live their life exclusively like this and cannot operate with integrity. Any ‘integrity’ is only feigned by a narcissist.
If you have been abused by a narcissist you certainly know what it is like to be engulfed in such a twisted disturbing world.
I really hope this has cleared up your confusion, and not only helped you identify whether or not you are with a narcissist, but also how damaging, dangerous and soul-destroying it is to be with one – if you are.
All of what I written above is not just the story of what I have experienced at the hands of narcissists, these are the identical stories (often word for word) which have happened in more people’s lives than you could even begin to imagine.
If you are reading this article and you have just realised that you may be dealing with a narcissist in your life – I know exactly what you are going through. Please sign up to my free New Life Newsletter which will give you complete access to 2 free ebooks, many articles, radio shows and videos on how to recover from narcissistic abuse. All of the content is structured in a sequence to get you real relief, answers and a roadmap to get your life back on track as soon as possible.
It is my mission to spread this information on a global scale so that men and woman do not have to go through the agony and soul destroying devastation of their emotions, livelihood, wellbeing and loved ones.
By empowering this generation with this vital knowledge, we have the ability to break away from narcissists, heal and empower ourselves, and then impart the teaching to our teenagers and children – how to love and honour self, as well as identify people who are authentic and stay clear of people who aren’t.
But In order to spread this message I need your help – so please share this article with your friends, colleagues, family or anyone that will read it. You can also share this link with other abuse and narcissistic recovery groups. A powerful way of exposing this message is also to write to and put this link in news article comments where you recognise that the story is about a narcissist. More and more of those stories are becoming commonplace now.
There are many ways we can now bring this insidious disease out into the open.
Also it is very important for you to not only share this article as widely as you can – but also, if you relate to the behaviours that I have written about, to post below so that people coming to this article realise that these people are NOT rare isolated incidents, and that they have affected so many people’s lives with this identical behaviour, and do so often, as well as tragically over and over again.
Just think… together we can potentially save someone’s life and changes the lives of others for future generations.
We all have the ability to get this message out, so that when people hear about the behaviours listed above, it can become common knowledge that it means the person in question has NPD.
Only then will victims be able to realise what is happening to them, get support, break away and heal.
Until then there are far too may people blind sighted and torn apart by this horrendous mental disease.
Thank you for getting behind this mission!
Click here to take the quiz to see if you are dealing with a Narcissist.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had to deal with a narcissist in my life, the point of my blog is to get anyone who is in the situation I once was in OUT. I received this letter a few years back (and MANY others like this) and thought it could be helpful to share it with you. I think a lot of articles offer help but not many can really capture narcissism the way this letter does.
The major reason for this post is for you to read everything here and realize that not one thing, not one line, not one WORD of this has ever nor will EVER be true. I didn’t read it twice, I didn’t even finish reading it to be honest until I decided to post it here today.
You may feel that maybe just maybe one of the many things the Narcissist claims might be true. You have that small part of you that thinks but what if he DOES actually change? What if I’m the one ruining this by ignoring him?
I can assure you one thing – it’s never going to happen. And it’s never going to be your fault. I say that with full confidence after reading tons of letters similar to the one below.
I’d love to get some feedback on anyone who reads this! Comment below with your thoughts!
“I guess this is pretty embarrassing for me huh? Lol Ironically, through much patience on my end, turning my back for 2 years on any sort of new relationship opportunities, I actually am afforded the opportunity, when you DO NOT have a boyfriend and you still won’t unblock or acknowledge me. Lol Gee-wiz! Damn! Love is very strange.
I know you’ve seen this movie before babe, I do. But honestly, I’ve been holding onto the dream you may give me and “us” another or real chance to really flourish over a significant time grace period. I hoped, dreamed, wished you could find it in your heart maybe to give me one chance to prove my worth /allegiance to you. Especially if you became single once again. Allow me to display live and in person, the significant changes/progress I’ve made through grief, spiritually & love for both you and myself. Let’s be very clear, I understand I was not in right place our first time around, in which, I completely let you down. I’ve paid the price dearly babe. Trust me!
Many life changing epiphany’s lessons were learned on my part , when I single handedly drove away the ONLY girl I genuinely loved and cared for and still do, after all this time. I practically forced you to up and jump out my life.
One important lesson I learned, is that, in reality people can or will grieve forever. You just don’t ‘get over’ the loss of a close family member. You learn to live with it, to heal and then rebuild oneself around the loss suffered. You can be whole again but never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to. With that said, I understand I never want to go back to that time period, where I wrongly took everything out on you. That is in the past, where I’m keeping it and hoped to move forward with you to grow old together. But you’ve made clear to me for a while now, you have other plans. Your utter silence, one word responses (if at all), blocking protocols, etc. (lol), as each day passes, clearly depicts the same distinct answer you’ve stated for 2 years now. I was hoping you may give it some thought, but obviously your mind is made up and I have to move forward with my life as you have done yours.
“It’s really hard to hold on to the feelings that you have always held. To treat someone as ordinary, when in fact very special… to keep calm, though you’re obviously jealous… to move on your own, with an empty and totally wounded heart… to smile even in deep pain… to let go of the person you dreamt forever with… to accept reality of being just friends… and to give up everything… though inside, you still want to give a try!”
I love you! So much, you have no idea!
Mel quoted me here at the end! This video has so much great information for anyone dealing with narcissists.
Do you ever feel like your relationship is spinning out of control and the only person that sees it is you? Or you feel completely trapped by your significant other but can’t really put your finger on why? You might be dealing with a narcissist. Here are 10 warning signs that you may have slipped into a relationship with one of the most toxic people ever to exist: The Narcissist. (But we were so perfect when we first met!)
1.No matter what the fight is about, it’s always your fault, even when you’re the person angry or mad because THEY did something wrong. (Common excuses include: “I never said that”, “You’re crazy”, “No thats because YOU..”, “That never happened”, etc.)
2. You seem to be the only person that sees the Narcissist for who they really are. Everyone else thinks the world of him/her!
3.When you first met, it was love at first sight. You never thought you would be this lucky, and finally found “THE ONE”!
4.If you ever tried to leave the Narcissist, they come crawling back, claiming they will change and finally do all the things you wanted them to do because they love YOU so much!
5.Almost everything the Narcissist says is contradicted by his/her actions, leaving you confused about what’s happening.
6.You become isolated from your friends, family, colleagues, and community. (No one wants to hear you complain over and over about your relationship.)
8.The anxiety you feel from the Narcissist consumes you and at times he/she becomes your priority no matter what you are doing.
9.When you feel sad you can’t believe how incredibly cold he/she is to you. (Laughs when you cry, disregards that your upset entirely, etc.)
10.The final sign your dating a narcissist is when you lose yourself completely. You don’t know how or why, but the person you used to be just isn’t you anymore. You have become a stranger even to yourself. This is when you know you need to make a change!
If you can related to more than 5 of these warning signs, your dating a narcissist! Ahh! Don’t worry, I have the tools to help you out and you can find them here !
Melanie Tonia Evans Wrote:
“A Thriver’s Journey is one where we stopped looking for love in all the wrong places.
We stop looking for others to grant us love, acceptance and approval … or the fun, experiences and happiness that we weren’t generating directly within ourselves and with life.
This was one of the greatest “gaps” that narcissists rush into ..
“Look at me, look at me .. I’m the ANSWER!!!”
Then of course we were going to cling, we were going to not let go. We will prescribe, fix, maladapt ourselves, and do anything at all to keep this “source”.
When all along this was about coming home to be alone with ourselves, to self-partner, to heal our gaps and become from the inside out a true Source of love and life to ourselves and others.
To become the ONLY true relationship that would ever create true relationships with everything and everyone we choose in our experience.
The only relationship that could or would deeply fulfil us.
The essential relationship with ourselves.
That is exactly the workshopping currently taking place with hundreds of people from all over the world right now in my next “3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse” Free Webinar Group.
If you have had enough of the pain of narcissistic abuse, and truly wish to heal, please join us”:3 Keys to Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Free Webinar