Proof the narcissist abuses you intentionally and will never change
— Read on narcwise.com/2018/03/02/proof-the-narcissist-abuses-you-intentionally-and-will-never-change/
Take the Quiz!
Is there someone in your life that you wish you could leave for good, but for some reason you never follow through?
Has your health, happiness and wellbeing suffered as a result of being involved with this person?
Does your significant other treat you nicely when they want something, and then treat you with cruelty and disdain afterwards?
Do you feel like your going crazy because someone turns everything they do wrong around on you?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be dealing with a narcissist. Take the quiz to find out if this is you.
About Narcissistic Abuse
Today in the world and in the news we hear the word narcissism quite often, but if you were to ask the general public what makes someone a narcissist would they be able to tell you?
Would they say it is someone who is full of themselves? Would they say it is someone who is arrogant and conceited and thinks they are better than everyone else?
This announcement is incredibly important. As you read on you will understand why.
The truth is, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is much more sinister then that…
It is to do with raising world awareness of what Narcissistic Personality Disorder really is. The world, including media, health organisations, legal systems and psychologists and counsellors, as well as the general community have an incredibly limited understanding.
This allows narcissists to operate in homes and corporations undetected, causing incredible damage to individuals, families, children, future generations and society as a whole.
It is time that the REAL information was exposed and brought out into the open.
Narcissists exist all over the world, in every social bracket, and personally destroy the lives of those around them.
In relation to intimate relationships, narcissists sweep into people’s lives full of charm and promise and leave them reeling in devastation.
Narcissists are able to lie to you without batting an eyelid – feigning their sincerity, values and monogamy, and can tell you that you are the person they have been waiting for all of their life.
The narcissist will become your ‘dream partner’ – and they will declare that their love and attention is all about you – but nothing could be further from the truth.
You believe you have met ‘the one’ – your true soul mate. In time, this person who has professed their undying love to you becomes your worst enemy – punishing you, hurting you, attacking you with any means possible and trying to turn your family, children and friends against you.
You will be shattered at how purposefully the narcissist starts destroying your life, reputation, taking your money, energy and emotional wellbeing whilst proclaiming to all and sundry that you are the disordered one.
Narcissists not only damage intimate partners, they also inflict incredible terror, pain and psychological damage on children, and create dysfunctional future generations. They continue to breed cycles of abusers and the abused. Narcissists are an incredible blight on society as a whole.
Despite writing as many articles on narcissism as I have, I still receive dozens of emails each week asking – “Is this person in my life really a narcissist, or just someone who (fill in the gap)?”…
I know this confusion occurs for two main reasons:
1) Until you have encountered a narcissistic person you have no idea what the ‘crazy making’ is. Most people think they are losing their mind, because what the narcissist does doesn’t fit into any acceptable human model, and until you have experienced and understood it there is no point of reference.
2) The perverse chemical addiction to a narcissist means you are mentally, emotionally and physiologically ‘hooked’. As a result your mind tries to find all sorts of reasons and excuses to exonerate the narcissist.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) explains the symptoms of NPD as the following:
- Expects to be recognized as superior and special, without superior accomplishments
- Expects constant attention, admiration and positive reinforcement from others
- Envies others and believes others envy him/her
- Is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of great success, enormous attractiveness, power, intelligence
- Lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings or desires of others
- Is arrogant in attitudes and behaviour
- Has expectations of special treatment that are unrealistic
There is also a belief (Wikipedia also states this) that NPD affects approximately 1% of the community.
When we can understand narcissism intimately, which involves the inability to be vulnerable (admit defects) or take personal responsibility for their flaws, we can realise just how few narcissists would ever seek an NPD diagnosis or allow themselves to be exposed enough to be diagnosed.
Narcissists are the ultimate False Selves – they wear masks whenever possible, and especially to avoid scrutiny.
Therefore I believe this ‘percentage’ is quite frankly ludicrous.
This is my belief about the DSM-5 list. It explains only some of the traits of the narcissist and certainly does not explain the ‘mask’ the narcissist wears to lure you in, extract narcissistic supply from you and hide his or her true damaged, shameful and disordered self.
This list also certainly does not even come close to the accurate description of the outrageous, malicious and pathological behavior narcissists commonly act out.
There are also irregularities in the existing DSM-5 list. Point one as an example is not accurate. There are narcissists who secure accomplishments. Narcissists brag and demand recognition regardless of whether their achievements are real or not.
Many people reading the DSM-5 explanation may think “Yes, some of these apply, but this person can be so loving and wonderful. So then how can he or she be a narcissist?”
The narcissist in between narcissistic bouts (when his or her severely damaged true self appears), is a consummate chameleon and can appear as the most loving, accepting, supportive person you can imagine.
This is how narcissists get narcissistic supply (their all-consuming need for outside attention in order to emotionally survive). They have to pretend they are someone they are not.
As a result of years of assisting thousands of people recover from narcissistic abuse (and knowing their stories intimately), as well as my own recovery from two narcissistic relationships (a classic and then an altruistic narcissist), I would like to share with you my definitions of a narcissist.
Before I do, it is important to realise that there are people who can be self-absorbed, and even selfish who do not have NPD. These people may even have superiority complexes, exaggerate their accomplishments and credentials and fail to have sufficient empathy for others in need.
This could make a person painful to be around, and disappointing to have a relationship with, but it certainly does NOT define the horrendous destruction and tragedies which narcissists create for the non-narcissistic human community.
The Trademarks of a Narcissist
There are, in my opinion, absolute trademarks for an individual with NPD, trademarks which need to understood and circulated.
These behaviours cross the line from human to inhumane and in my opinion (because I have never heard or witnessed one reported case of ‘it working out ‘or ‘he / she got better’ with a person who displays some, many or all of these behaviours) means this person has NPD – and therefore is malicious and untreatable, and intensely dangerous and destructive to others.
It is very important to understand that upon meeting the narcissist and even the first weeks, or months with this person the following behaviour will not be evident – however commonly there will be ‘red flags’. There will be events like exes making contact with you, stories that don’t feel ‘quite right’, or strange reactions, accusations, put downs, insecure comments, or signs of taking umbrage that leave you feeling ‘weird’ ‘wrong’ or even intensely unsafe.
Too many people have rationalised away these ‘signs’ and paid gravely for it later.
The following behaviours constitute an individual who will put you at severe risk emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially and often times sexually and physically – and if you hang on to a relationship with this person, you could be taken all the way to your demise as a result of the narcissistic cycles of idealise then devalue and discard.
When you see the list of these extremely common narcissistic behaviours you will understand why they are so destructive.
If you are being abused by a narcissist, I understand you may think that you are the only person who is experiencing this insanity and tormenting behaviour. However when you read the stories of countless others, you would realise just how common and stock standard these narcissistic behaviors are.
NPD Behaviour is:
- Pathological lying.
- Taking umbrage at slights that healthy mature adults just don’t get upset about.
- Being ‘loving’ and ‘adoring’ one moment and detesting, attacking, or threatening you with breakups the next. These ‘you are the love of my life / I’d be better off without you’ cycles are often sudden, unexpected and without warning.
- Uses the identified emotional wound of the victim against him, or her. For example if the victim has a fear of abandonment the narcissist will continually threaten and / or perform abandonment. If granting other women or men attention creates emotional pain, the narcissist will ‘flaunt’ that behaviour regularly. If being distrusted and accused of adultery creates a painful reaction, the narcissist will deliver accusations regularly. This is followed by the narcissist denying all responsibility and blaming the other person as ‘the cause of him or her leaving’, or labelling his or her victim as ‘jealous, insecure and paranoid’, or ‘flirting purposefully and deserving distrust’.
- Nil ability to be vulnerable, real, honest or discuss problems rationally when feeling emotionally upset.
- Intense harbouring about what you did or didn’t do in the past which ‘insulted’ the narcissist. The harbouring continues to re-emerge no matter how many times you apologise or believe the issue was previously resolved.
- Propensity to lash out and punish horrifically with minimal provocation – delivering behaviour that is a complete mismatch for the perceived injury the narcissist believed he or she received.
- Smear campaigns created against the person who the narcissist has damaged, containing fabricated and misleading evidence.
- Using abuse by proxy getting other people and organisations to attack the victim on the narcissist’s behalf, fuelled by smear campaigns.
- Nil ability to be accountable for horrendous malicious, pathological or outrageous behaviour.
- Nil ability to be appropriately remorseful and fix the damage of the horrendous behaviour inflicted on the victim.
- Nil ability to have empathy for the victim or for people connected to the victim – such as the victim’s children or family.
- Accuses others, especially intimate partner for all the things that the narcissist thinks, says and does.
- High level of entitlement to money, resources, recognition, sex and / or attention.
- Excessive and outrageous spending habits coupled with loose and poor money management. Takes financial risks and gambles which create stress for the narcissist and his or her partner / family.
- Prone to superficiality and materialism. A need to ‘show off’ and enough is never enough.
- Pathological and / or compulsive adultery without using sexual protection which puts possible multiple partners at risk
- The ability to pathologically lie and feign ‘love and commitment’ to ‘outside’ sexual partners to garnish narcissistic supply and / or punish current partner.
- The ability to keep previous partners hooked and sexually active during devalue and discard cycles whilst sourcing and romancing new sources of narcissistic supply. (Narcissists will generally avoid being single at any cost).
- Previous partners are kept on the narcissist’s hook with open ended comments such as ‘Never say never’ so when discarded, the narcissist has the option to revisit if sources of narcissistic supply get low – or if he or she wants to act out revenge on the current partner.
- Performs smear campaign about and amongst multiple sexual partners, regarding why the narcissist despises, discredits or wants nothing to do with the ‘other’ sexual partners, so that they will not suspect or find out the truth.
- ‘Apologies’ ‘empathy’ ‘accountability’ or ‘make up’ behaviour (if any) is long overdue, and only generally after escalation of more horrendous pathological and / or adulterous behaviour, threats and smear campaigns (discovered and undiscovered). This ‘remorse’ is not consistent and contains fabricated ‘make-up’ promises which are generally undelivered. Restoration is temporary, and leads to repeat cycles of nil accountability, nil remorse, nil empathy and repeat horrendous behaviour.
- Intense anger, rage and projection (and often total discard) if confronted with the truth – that the narcissist’s issues come from unhealed childhood wounds which the narcissist is unwilling to face and deal with.
How the Narcissist Argues
One of the most sure-fire ways to know you are with a narcissist is identifying how a narcissist argues. To say a narcissist fights dirty, with no conscience and out of bounds twisted behaviour is an understatement.
If you feel like you are trying to have a conversation with an angry, insane, malicious five year old child, and this ‘conversation’ feels like you are losing your grip on reality because a good smattering of the tactics below are being used – you can be 100% sure it is with a narcissist.
Because it is ONLY people with narcissistic personality disorder who EVER communicate like this.
The list of the arsenal the narcissist holds and uses when arguing with you is this:
- Avoidance: Refusing to recognise or acknowledge the incident as real or important to you.
- Excuses: Making up stories or reasons for the behaviour that are not genuine or valid excuses.
- Accusations: Blaming someone else for the wrongdoing.
- False Apology: Saying a ‘sorry’ that is not a genuine apology, and expecting you to accept it.
- Ignorance: Claiming you never said that, that was never discussed, or the narcissist never said that.
- Confusion: Creating antics over trivial points in the conversation to shift and confuse the focus.
- Projection: Stating ‘what you did wrong’ regarding the particular topic by using ammunition from the past that has nothing to do with the present incident.
- Using Allies: Quoting people real or imagined to back their ‘story’ of excuses, or to discredit you.
- Shutting down: Unwilling to have the conversation or abandoning the scene to avoid scrutiny.
- Shifting Focus: Responding with displeasure to your body language or the tone of your voice to steer the conversation away from the wrongdoing.
- Persecution: Stating how bad your accusations are, and what a terrible person you are to accuse them.
- Denial: Stating that it was incidents in your past, and your fears and insecurities which causes you to make these accusations.
- Discrediting: Stating that you are such a negative person and always look for the ‘conspiracy theory’ in your conversations.
- Threatening: Citing abandonment or punishment if you continue with the accusation.
- Entitlement: Demanding that you recognise the positive things they have done for you, and that it’s unfair for you to focus on the negatives.
- Lying: Stating they did grant explanation, reassurance, or did do the credible thing when these actions were not forthcoming.
- Condemnation: Continuing the story of “I did do the right thing” and then being incensed at you for calling them a liar.
- Justification: Stating ‘I did it’ because of your behaviour and because you make me do these things.
- Triggering: Using a maiming comment related or unrelated to incite you to anger and shift blame.
- Competition: Stating all the things that they are not happy about with you, as a ‘tit for tat’ retaliation, rather than addressing the issue at hand.
Why Does a Narcissist Do What They Do?
It is important to understand why narcissists behave in such cruel, calculating and malicious ways. Narcissists are severely emotionally damaged people, who decided at a young age that the internal pain of ‘You are worthless, no good, defective and unlovable’ meant that the narcissist had to ‘kill off’ his or her true self, and create a False Self as a buffer in its place.
The False Self is a pathological façade constructed to gain praise, admiration, attention and be seen as omnipotent or special compared to others.
This pathological self has no resources to feel whole or at peace, and the narcissist needs ‘energy’ from the outside world constantly reflected back to him or her to know he or she exists.
The narcissist needs attention and significance (known as Narcissistic Supply) to avoid the pain, and to gain some relief, just like a heroin addict does. A narcissist will do whatever it takes without conscience or remorse to keep feeding the False Self.
People and things are reduced to mere objects in order to provide narcissistic supply, and are punished severely and cruelly when they don’t supply it adequately.
The tragic thing is that narcissists have also been victims of victims. It is only scared and hurt people who hurt others. We can have compassion for this fact, but must firmly realise narcissists do not heal, resolve and evolve past their atrocious behaviour. They refuse to admit defects, be vulnerable or apply self-humility, which are the essential ingredients for personal growth.
If you have never experienced a narcissist, you may shake your head in disbelief that there are people who behave like these lists above – let alone be able to believe there is a huge cluster of people on this planet who live their life exclusively like this and cannot operate with integrity. Any ‘integrity’ is only feigned by a narcissist.
If you have been abused by a narcissist you certainly know what it is like to be engulfed in such a twisted disturbing world.
I really hope this has cleared up your confusion, and not only helped you identify whether or not you are with a narcissist, but also how damaging, dangerous and soul-destroying it is to be with one – if you are.
All of what I written above is not just the story of what I have experienced at the hands of narcissists, these are the identical stories (often word for word) which have happened in more people’s lives than you could even begin to imagine.
If you are reading this article and you have just realised that you may be dealing with a narcissist in your life – I know exactly what you are going through. Please sign up to my free New Life Newsletter which will give you complete access to 2 free ebooks, many articles, radio shows and videos on how to recover from narcissistic abuse. All of the content is structured in a sequence to get you real relief, answers and a roadmap to get your life back on track as soon as possible.
Spread The Message
It is my mission to spread this information on a global scale so that men and woman do not have to go through the agony and soul destroying devastation of their emotions, livelihood, wellbeing and loved ones.
By empowering this generation with this vital knowledge, we have the ability to break away from narcissists, heal and empower ourselves, and then impart the teaching to our teenagers and children – how to love and honour self, as well as identify people who are authentic and stay clear of people who aren’t.
But In order to spread this message I need your help – so please share this article with your friends, colleagues, family or anyone that will read it. You can also share this link with other abuse and narcissistic recovery groups. A powerful way of exposing this message is also to write to and put this link in news article comments where you recognise that the story is about a narcissist. More and more of those stories are becoming commonplace now.
There are many ways we can now bring this insidious disease out into the open.
Also it is very important for you to not only share this article as widely as you can – but also, if you relate to the behaviours that I have written about, to post below so that people coming to this article realise that these people are NOT rare isolated incidents, and that they have affected so many people’s lives with this identical behaviour, and do so often, as well as tragically over and over again.
Just think… together we can potentially save someone’s life and changes the lives of others for future generations.
We all have the ability to get this message out, so that when people hear about the behaviours listed above, it can become common knowledge that it means the person in question has NPD.
Only then will victims be able to realise what is happening to them, get support, break away and heal.
Until then there are far too may people blind sighted and torn apart by this horrendous mental disease.
Thank you for getting behind this mission!
Click here to take the quiz to see if you are dealing with a Narcissist.
Mel quoted me here at the end! This video has so much great information for anyone dealing with narcissists.
Do you ever feel like your relationship is spinning out of control and the only person that sees it is you? Or you feel completely trapped by your significant other but can’t really put your finger on why? You might be dealing with a narcissist. Here are 10 warning signs that you may have slipped into a relationship with one of the most toxic people ever to exist: The Narcissist. (But we were so perfect when we first met!)
1.No matter what the fight is about, it’s always your fault, even when you’re the person angry or mad because THEY did something wrong. (Common excuses include: “I never said that”, “You’re crazy”, “No thats because YOU..”, “That never happened”, etc.)
2. You seem to be the only person that sees the Narcissist for who they really are. Everyone else thinks the world of him/her!
3.When you first met, it was love at first sight. You never thought you would be this lucky, and finally found “THE ONE”!
4.If you ever tried to leave the Narcissist, they come crawling back, claiming they will change and finally do all the things you wanted them to do because they love YOU so much!
5.Almost everything the Narcissist says is contradicted by his/her actions, leaving you confused about what’s happening.
6.You become isolated from your friends, family, colleagues, and community. (No one wants to hear you complain over and over about your relationship.)
8.The anxiety you feel from the Narcissist consumes you and at times he/she becomes your priority no matter what you are doing.
9.When you feel sad you can’t believe how incredibly cold he/she is to you. (Laughs when you cry, disregards that your upset entirely, etc.)
10.The final sign your dating a narcissist is when you lose yourself completely. You don’t know how or why, but the person you used to be just isn’t you anymore. You have become a stranger even to yourself. This is when you know you need to make a change!
If you can related to more than 5 of these warning signs, your dating a narcissist! Ahh! Don’t worry, I have the tools to help you out and you can find them here !
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Feeling “addicted” to the narcissist is one of the most horrible and powerless things about suffering the trauma of narcissistic abuse.
And it truly does defy all logical explanation.
People standing on the side-lines can’t comprehend it.
It would seem obvious that you would want nothing to do with someone who continually hurts you.
It seems incredulous that you’re not able to logically define that this person is no longer worth one scrap of your energy, and that you can’t simply stop thinking about them and move on.
But – narcissistic abuse is anything but simple.
Your friends and family may be incredibly frustrated seeing you go back to a horrendous abuser over and over again.
Or that you can’t stop talking about the abuser and what they did.
Logically to them it is SO obvious – “Stop going over and over it and get on with your life!”
But these people are not chemically cellularly hooked – they’re not addicted, and there is no way they could understand the crippling pulls that are so overwhelming that it feels like you will actually die if you don’t reconnect in some way with the narcissist – even if only by thoughts.
In this article I want to take you on the deep and truthful journey of addiction – what it is, how it plays out and how to break free from it.
What Does Addiction to the Narcissist Mean?
If we are addicted to the narcissist, fundamentally what it means is that we can’t stop thinking about him or her.
The narcissist is front and centre in our mind to such an extent that we are finding it hard to have focus, energy or “space” for other things in our life.
In this state it is incredibly hard to create a new life away from this person, and maybe we haven’t even got to any remote belief that leaving or moving on could be possible.
We may be fruitlessly hanging on … trying to force this person to see what they are doing and change so that our anxiety can lessen. This takes the level of addiction and anxiety to another level – generally one of great despair and powerlessness, and as a result it may be nearly impossible to even perform basic self-care for ourselves.
Or maybe, even though we are holding No Contact, it is like this person is still living inside us – and not in a nice way. The mental torment may be unbearable with the triggers of everyday life setting off yet another thought about this person.
Thoughts about … what they did, how could they do that, why did they do that, how they should not have done that, how we could have done that, if only this had happened instead, and why didn’t I try that.
And … what is going to continue to happen. We are terrorised about the past, feeling extreme anxiety in the present and completely disturbed about the future.
You may be amazed how months, years or even decades later – even after the actual abuse has ended – how this person is still living inside you and your energy is being sucked dry trying to cope with that.
You may not have laid eyes on the narcissist or even heard his or her voice for decades – yet you are still addicted to thinking about the narcissist.
You may not have ever thought about this as an addiction – but I promise you it is.
As you read this article, you will start to understand why.
From my personal experience and having worked with many others, I have to say that addiction to narcissists is right up there amongst the toughest of addictions – I have had hard drug addicts tell me that heroin was nothing compared to beating narcissistic abuse addiction.
I don’t want to tell you that to scare you – and make you think your situation is hopeless. I really want to tell you so you have the awareness to understand this is an addiction.
And it’s serious …
The Symptoms of Addiction
Whether we are in contact with the narcissist or not, our eating and sleeping patterns may have become completely dysfunctional – we may be using all sorts of ways to try to ease the pain caused by the obsession and reoccurring triggers … such as cigarettes, food, alcohol, gambling, shopping, filling our life with social media and distractions …or trying to source comfort from other people in unhealthy ways.
It is likely, within these choices of unconscious attempts to get relief, we are not connected to healthy strategies to look after ourselves and heal the addiction.
Maybe we can’t even get out of bed the level of pain and despair is so bad.
Maybe in utter self-disgust you have started behaving in ways that you never thought you would. Maybe you are incensed and angry and lashing out because people don’t seem to understand what you are dealing with in regard to the narcissist. Maybe you are lying about and hiding the fact that you are still in communication or seeing the narcissist.
Maybe you are suffering alone because you no longer have the trust and support of those who could help you.
Maybe things in your life are falling apart because you are falling apart. Maybe it has become impossible to hold down your job, and maybe friends, family and key people in your life are turning away.
Maybe things have got so bad that you are virtually selling your soul for ANY bit of attention from the narcissist (good or bad) … akin to a drug addict licking the crumbs of powder off the floor regardless of the kicks to your self-esteem and life in order to get them.
That level of addiction is horrible … to anything … not just narcissists.
Addiction can kill people at this level – and narcissist addiction is no different.
I remember all of this …
I was there … the addict from hell, falling deeper and deeper into a devastating addiction.
It got so bad that I thought the only way out was to end my life. I believed I couldn’t live without him, and I was totally aware that living with him was killing me.
It seemed I was doomed either way – and death would be the only release.
Thank goodness I didn’t make that choice and I found the way to free myself … otherwise I wouldn’t be here writing this article to share what I learnt.
What I do know is this: it is vital to admit you are addicted.
If you are going through what I have described – I promise you in order to take your power back you need to stop pointing the finger at the narcissist and the crazy stuff he or she is doing – and you need to admit YOU ARE NOT WELL.
Yes – you ARE addicted.
And you need to stop putting the future of your sanity and life in the hands of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing – and take full responsibility to learn about your addiction, understand what is really going on and start healing it.
I can assure you … if you wait for the narcissist to fix it for you, you are never going to get well, and your life could end up being destroyed.
Because THAT is what addictions do.
You may have been told by those who advocate victimisation that you are suffering C-PTSD and that this is normal after the level of abuse and trauma that you experienced.
I promise you there is a much greater truth than this – and later in this article I am going to explain to you how “addiction” is the symptom, and how C-PTSD is the follow on symptom of your addiction – and this goes for you even if you have been able to hold No Contact and your symptoms persist.
Your symptoms are NOT because of what the narcissist did or does to you – it’s the ongoing addiction cycle that you are not breaking that is causing your deterioration.
I want you to understand and start looking at this in a very different way than most abuse forums would have you think about it.
They want you to think that you have C-PTSD and that this will be with you for a very long time (if not for ever) because of the absolute horrendous behaviour of narcissists.
No … I disagree entirely, and I have personally lived and facilitated a different truth thousands of times over.
I want you to understand you are suffering an addiction and this addiction can be cured.
And this means you will NOT have or suffer the ongoing symptoms of abuse.
What Makes Us Susceptible To Being Addicted To Narcissists?
Overcoming addictions, truly for me, was the hardest thing about my self-development – untilI really understood the truth about them.
I had always had incredibly addictive tendencies.
Originally it was alcohol, then cigarettes, then being a workaholic, then narcissistic partners.
Absolutely “love addiction” was huge for me.
I was a classic co-dependent.
The profile being: highly intelligent, hard-working, capable … able to make most things in my life work.
Yet, I was prone to seeking outside validation, and I was terrified about rocking the boat (feared abandonment, criticism or punishment if I spoke up) … and I had grave difficulty in trusting my intuition and my emotions. And rather than have the ability to solidly self-soothe I would go into overdrive trying to “fix things more” whenever I felt anxiety.
My motto was – “Make sure everything gets done, dot the i’s and cross the t’s and work harder to ensure no disaster can strike.”
In short I was often suffering guilt about what “I should be doing”, I had severe anxiety about my ability to survive and feel safe in the world … and I felt I was unworthy and unlovable without putting massive effort in to secure these things.
When I couldn’t “do something” with workaholism and obsessive compulsive behaviour to relieve anxiety, I would use a relationship or another addiction to take up the slack – using those choices as an attempt to burn off the anxious feelings.
People who don’t suffer these “co-dependencies” (trying to get peace within “self” from outside of “self”) have a greater ability to be emotionally solid and self-soothe (much to do with early childhood programming) and are not as susceptible to making choices that will undermine their self-worth and value.
They find it much easier to say “No” in the first place.
These people are not apt to purposefully get drunk, smoke a cigarette, take drugs, binge on sugar laden foods, work 20 hour days or punish themselves by staying in an abusive relationship.
And … they are not defined by others … such as: “I HAVE TO get your approval in order to feel loved and worthy.”
I promise you I am not saying any of this to belittle you or shame you.
I am saying this because this is the truth for most people who have been narcissistically abused.
It was certainly my inner emotional life – 100% percent, and I had to take a great deal of personal responsibility to heal this, in order to live, survive and then thrive … which today I gloriously do.
Mostly, I am explaining all of this from the inside out to educate you with a deeper understanding of what your urges REALLY are about – and how to not just hope to merely manage them (which can be excruciatingly difficult) but rather clean up the real reason they’re there in the first place.
So that you are not just attempting to deal with the symptom (the addiction), but rather so that you can work at healing the real cause.
This is the difference between merely surviving and truly thriving.
Powerlessness With Addiction
The hugest thing to understand about the addiction is to know it is a “symptom” of trying to get the panic, fear or emptiness inside us soothed.
(I’m going to grant an example of exactly what THAT panic, fear and emptiness is about with my story soon.)
When we are trying to get relief from outside of ourselves and are making choices from an inner state of “disconnection and anxiety”, the choices made will ALWAYS make the panic, fear and emptiness WORSE.
This is the horrible cycle of addiction.
It’s this … initial inner anxiety causing person to go for unhealthy choice as an attempt for relief … which then leads to increased anxiety.
The “bizarre” thing about addiction that does NOT make logical sense is the relief channel (choice of addiction) is NOT effective.
Let’s say someone has an addiction to sugar – which contributes greatly to obesity, existing fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue symptoms, self-disgust, lack of self-esteem and all sorts of issues … and even after KNOWING that, the person CRAVES more of it.
The short term fix is relief from anxiety, yet like an itch than can’t be scratched, soon more and more sugar is needed.
Immediate short term fix gets less and less, and requires more and more sugar to be experienced … and short, medium and long term damage gets more and more pronounced.
(This occurs chemically, within our bodies, with all addictions.)
The cellular body, chemically, is literally screaming out more and more “needily” for the compound sugar that is destroying it.
So … why does our nervous, chemical and cellular system want MORE of what is obviously destroying it – and why is this spiral so powerfully compelling and why does it have such a deadly grip.
How on earth is that LOGICAL?
It’s not logical … and we are kidding ourselves if we think it is … and we are kidding ourselves if we think that we can SOLVE it at a logical level.
Because this is NOT the level where all of this is taking place.
How many people have tried to beat addictions with mere willpower?
If THAT was possible TRULY addictions would not exist!
Many, many people with addictions admit they would like to stop, but don’t.
How many of us wished we had never picked up a cigarette? How many of us wish we didn’t drink again and behave the way we did? How many of us wish we had not made that sexual choice? How many of us wish we could JUST LEAVE an abusive person and NEVER look back?
If we desperately want to stop an addiction and CAN’T – we need to admit we are POWERLESS over the addiction.
Because we are! Science proves to us that we are!
At the level of the cognitive mind we have a mere 5% power at our disposal as opposed to the 95% power of our emotional subconscious which is driving us to pick up the addiction of choice.
It’s like trying to beat an elephant stampeded with an ant.
So … back to “why” we crave more of what is destroying us.
Forget logic – throw that out the window, because what I am about to explain has NOTHING to do with logic, and it has nothing to do with how intelligent you are.
In fact the more intelligent you are, the less you will be operating from a centre of emotional intelligence, and the more you are prone to suffer from emotional addictions that you are trying to control logically.
The most addicted, hooked people I have ever worked with (including myself) are the most intelligent for this reason – they are the people that are trying to work at their life cognitively instead of being emotionally connected to themselves.
I’ll use this example first …
Imagine you eat a slice of chocolate cake that you were previously denying yourself.
Now you feel an incredible surge of guilt – and maybe even self-disgust. You had promised yourself you weren’t going to eat it. You caved in … you had NO self-control and now you’re back to square one.
You’ve just blown your calorie count.
So … you beat yourself up … pretty severely.
Then half an hour later – you have an even greater urge to go for another slice of chocolate cake.
Now you are manically wrestling with yourself again – and your mind is giving you all sorts of reasons to give in.
Such as: “I’ve already blown it – I’ll start my diet again tomorrow.”
“I’ll work harder at the gym this week to make it up.”
Or maybe you are just so self-disgusted you say to yourself, “You fat pig … go on gorge yourself. Why not … you’re unlovable anyway! You may as well eat, be fat and at least be happy!”
Why have you had this terrible downslide after telling yourself how horribly disappointed you were with your own behaviour after the first slice.
Surely that would DETER you from doing it again!
You cutting the second slice after that makes NO logical sense!!!!
Okay – like I said – please throw away the logic because until you are willing to understand Life and yourself at a Quantum, energetic, emotional level you are nowhere near the truth.
(Like I wasn’t for years.)
And this is NOT some New Age woohoo (as some people like to accuse me and others of) … it is actual science.
If you do the research on the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dr. Bruce Lipton (and others) you will discover how true and proven this information is.
But really life should show you … absorb this information and then look at every aspect of your Life and you can’t deny that the irrefutable truth is all around you.
Smacking you over the head.
The reason that you went for a second slice of chocolate cake is because everything that you focus a lot of emotional energy on (good or bad it makes no difference) means you are saying a whooping great “Yes” to that thing.
You have just cemented “that which you focused on” into your life as “your reality” and you have called forth “more of it”.
Your huge energetic reaction to “having the slice of chocolate cake” completely and utterly set up the urges to create “having a slice of chocolate cake again”.
Now … if you had made a decision to not have chocolate cake that was calm and solid WITHOUT the emotional beatups, traumas and chemical peptides being manufactured in your hypothalamus and being secreted through your bloodstream and absorbed by the cells of your body … then you would have been able to NOT have another slice of chocolate cake.
It was your huge emotional reaction which set off a chemical chain of events – and what that was about was your unresolved self-judgements and self-loathing – that caused you to take actions that would cause MORE self-judgements and self-loathing.
Because the cells of your body (addictive entities they are) would not have started chasing the massive chemical rush that you supplied them with 30 minutes ago.
The high of the “trauma” of eating the first slice of chocolate cake was so “high” – that the “low” was a withdrawal, and the cells wanted the “high” to get out of that “low”.
Ugly isn’t it that your cells interpret “trauma” as a “high?”
Your cells interpret any BIG chemical / emotional rush as a “high”.
Please understand this … your cells are totally unconditional.
Energy is energy – good or bad it makes no difference.
Think about this ….
I know when anyone complains to me about bad drivers or not getting car parks (especially when they have a BIG emotional charge wrapped up in their complaints) … that they suffer bad drivers REGULARLY and DON’T get carparks.
I know that people who believe they are victims are CONTINUALLY victimised.
I know that people who are not willing to look at life at a chemical level and are struggling with logic to try to change their life are fighting an uphill battle – especially if they are continually perceiving and relaying negative states of victimisation, anxiety, depression, powerlessness and trauma.
Now here is the thing …
They are addicted to these states, and unconsciously making choices that add to them.
Let’s go back to the chocolate cake.
The second slice came about because of the chemicals of trauma as a result of eating the first slice.
So what do we think happens when we are stuck in the manufacturing of trauma regarding what the narcissist did to us?
Be very aware … these traumas are MASSIVE rushes of emotions / chemicals to our cells.
MASSIVE spikes … huge “highs”.
I’ll tell you what happens – our cells chase more of it.
So we continually think about what happened to us. And … we come up with all sorts of twisted excuses to make contact and touch the stove repeatedly that is burning us.
We literally cannot let go of the very source of our trauma …
Yep! The narcissist – even if that just means thoughts of the narcissist.
I PROMISE you with all my heart – if I believed and knew that banging on about the narcissist and sharing war stories was helping us heal – I would be ALL for it!
But it doesn’t … all it does is spread the poison, and create more peptide addiction and more abuse victimisation throughout people’s systems.
It causes people to remain hooked, obsessing, going back, lining themselves up to be abused, and teaching their children how to be victims as well.
Setting up future generations of more of the same.
It does NOT break the horrible cycle, any more than repeatedly beating yourself up over eating chocolate cake does.
It is the very epitome of cementing powerlessness and the addiction to pain and abuse even deeper.
This is why RECOVERY is all about getting OUT of the addiction.
People sharing war stories in abuse forums are deep in the addiction and are repeating the same stories years later… and they experience the same pain every day … even years later.
They are literally addicted to the chemicals of grief, victimhood, despair, powerlessness, helplessness, anger and resentment.
Take note, because if you are a victim of narcissistic abuse this is likely to be your orientation – until you realise what you thought could help you is NOT helping at all!
Then … this is called “C-PTSD” and blamed on the narcissist mostly … and I understand this because I had C-PTSD, adrenal malfunction and agoraphobia through the roof at levels that I was told were medically impossible to heal and could only ever hope to be managed with permanent anti-psychotics.
The truth – I discovered – bared no resemblance to any of that.
When I cleaned up my addictions that were fuelling and feeding my trauma, and cleaned up the reason for the generation of trauma in my life … I was trauma free and on a trajectory of a completely different life.
Then all of these symptoms vanished – completely – and I opened up to the organic state of radiance that we all ARE without these faulty states of living.
Narcissistic abuse – and all that went with that – was then Not My Reality.
And it does not need to be yours.
Addiction is the Symptom
So … we have looked at addiction to the narcissist (or anything) and how we are powerless to beat it at a logical level.
In fact we are powerless to heal any addiction (and maybe can only ever hope to precariously manage the horrendous pulls and triggers) until we look at the true reason we are reaching for an addiction.
The addiction is ONLY the symptom.
There is a deeper CAUSE.
The deeper cause is anxiety and emptiness being caused by an emotional wound – a young, precarious underdeveloped part of ourselves that feels unsafe and fearful. A part of ourselves that feels it needs something outside of ourselves to take away the pain.
If we find and address this part of ourselves – there is NO addiction.
At this point – I’ll share my story about breaking my addiction to cigarettes, because it’s an easy to understand example.
I was a cigarette smoker since 15 years of age. A heavy smoker, and that addiction continued on even after narcissistic abuse recovery.
Of course I wanted to not smoke, but I figured that was pretty much impossible – because apart from when I was pregnant (when smoking made me physically ill) I had only ever been able to stop for three weeks, and that had been excruciatingly difficult.
That was until I remembered what I had learnt about recovery from my addiction to narcissists.
I remembered the absolute truth: Cigarettes had NOTHING to do with my addiction to cigarettes!
Cigarette smoking was only the symptom of how I was trying to get relief from the true cause.
Therefore, all I had to do was find the true cause and heal that, and no longer would I be compelled to put a cigarette in my mouth when I really didn’t want to.
Just like the narcissists, smoking was a horrible self-destructive choice attempting to self-medicate inner fear, pain and emptiness.
So the answer to giving up cigarettes?
Simple … stop the self-medication choice (smoking cigarettes) and fully be with, find, meet and up-level the wounds with Quanta Freedom Healing.
So … once the light went on, and I realised cigarettes had nothing to do with it, I put the remaining cigarettes in my packet under a tap, threw them in the bin – and then sat with myself waiting for the anxiety to hit … now that the self-medicating drug had been removed.
The anxiety came up …
I was ready.
Diligently I dug into myself, deeply into my subconscious, and found significant wounds that were to do with loneliness, wanting connection, companionship and conjoining.
These young, sad, depressed, “separated” parts of myself were craving connection and going for connection with cigarettes … something to “light up and connect to” … something to “keep me company” when these terrible feelings of deeply unconscious loneliness would hit.
These wounds were so deeply unconscious that I didn’t even realise they were emotionally controlling me … (we usually don’t realise until we get in contact with our subconscious).
So one-by-one I shifted every young wound of loneliness out of my body that I could find, and brought in the glorious warmth, love and connection with my Higher Power. I then passed this through to and filled up my Inner Child, and I integrated with her, and then conjoined with all of Life as “One”.
These True Self feelings then became my emotional truth.
I had re-programmed my subconscious.
I promise you this … even in the midst of untangling and healing this stuff, (it took about three days) I did NOT have one craving for a cigarette – ever.
I wasn’t even thinking about cigarettes – because they had become totally irrelevant – for the first time in 3 decades!!
Cigarettes were done, because I was FULLY focused on nailing and healing the TRUE reason why I ever tried them or craved them in the first place.
Now do you understand the truth about addictions?
My Journey With Detoxifying the Addiction to Narcissists
The first narcissist in my life was a horrendous addiction process that took years.
The reason being was because I was trying to work at it from a victimised logical level, with no Quantum understanding or tools.
Even personality disorder recovery specialists had no understanding of the chemical addiction and horrendous chemical withdrawal process that my body was going through.
There was no information or processes available to deal with this, and believe me I searched far and wide.
Looking back, I know I was undergoing withdrawal symptoms that made living sometimes a matter of survival minute to minute, which contributed to me breaking No Contact over a dozen times, and ended in my complete psychotic and physical breakdown which was so severe it almost ended my life.
My life was going to end anyway the way I was headed – either through a self-destructive choice, terminal illness or an accident. There was no other way it could have gone because my addiction had spiralled completely out of control.
Thank goodness I had my awakening and started seeking the real answers to recover – or I never would have.
Second narcissist was a walk in the park regarding breaking the addiction to him.
Straight away when I decided to end it for ever – I knew he was ONLY the symptom of deep inner wounds I needed to find and heal – and THAT was my full focus.
The most significant wound regarding second narc was my total terror of abandonment. He had targeted a 3 year old wound that had been alive in my body since that age – an emotional unconscious fear that I would be annihilated if abandoned (which is exactly the emotional decision / terror I had experienced as a 3 year old).
That narc played on it – and would belt and trigger that wound continually.
I didn’t have to be an “Energetic Einstein” to work out this wound. It had played out horribly more times than I could count in that relationship.
I knew the drill … use Quanta freedom Healing … look at what hurt, feel it in my body, track it, release it and up–level it (re-program it).
Absolutely I went through days and weeks of deep healing, wailing out wounds and up-levelling them purposefully in order to detox the trauma and heal myself as quickly and as powerfully and directly as possible.
Yet … NOT ONCE did I consider contacting him – want to contact him – or have ANY illusions that he was HEALTHY or desired in my life.
I had ZERO attraction left.
There was obsessional thoughts regarding the usual assortment of narcissistic lies, betrayals, adultery and obscene acts, which I needed to release from myself cellularly and liberate myself emotionally from … but not once did I wish that he was in my life.
This made matters so much easier to heal than first narc – because this time right from the onset it had nothing to do with him – it was all about healing me.
Second narc fallout was minimal; smearing and ongoing rubbish was non-existent and there was zero stalking, antics and drama.
I know this is because I had changed so much; I wasn’t hooked, I wasn’t feeding it – I was disconnecting so fast, and I was claiming back my energy and my life so much more effectively than first time around.
Before too long, I could go to any memory and it felt totally “benign” in my body – no emotional charge – because I had done such a great job of releasing it and healing it from my cells.
Yes, I did have practical and financial loses again … but this time I was able to release and heal the regret so much faster – rather than being stuck in the victimhood and despair that I had suffered and regurgitated so much in the past with narc number one – which had delayed my recovery so much.
My mission second time around was: no more peptide addiction to states that I FIRMLY did not want to experience or have in my life anymore – and that was never going to happen unless I released the poison and raised my consciousness to a level where they were Not My Reality.
There was no other orientation to have if I wanted to break free and get well.
The Three Choices With Addiction
With narcissistic abuse you have three choices.
1) Remain hooked (even if just with ongoing obsession) and get further destroyed by accumulating more panic and emptiness and an even greater addiction that will never be soothed, and will need greater and greater doses of the pain to try to get any sort of relief. It’s a spiral into a bottomless pit.
2) Try to get away and stay away (even from just obsession) without reprogramming the very reasons why you are trying to unconsciously self-medicate with the narcissist … which is agonizingly terrible and feels like you are going to die … or
3) Make it all about yourself and all about reprogramming your subconscious so that you can break free from the horrible cycle once and for all. Then you will no longer be merely attempting to manage ongoing symptoms, but rather will heal at the real level that caused these symptoms.The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is your absolute solution to achieve outcome number 3.
Choosing to Touch the Previous Addiction
It’s really important to not be fooled and think “If I just heal the reasons why I go for the addiction then I won’t be addicted and I can continue seeing the narcissist.”
I no longer have any urge for cigarettes, but this doesn’t mean that I choose to still occasionally smoke. They’re toxic; they’re poison. They have no place in my orientation of loving, respecting and caring for myself now.
Someone asked not long ago what to do if they ran into the ex-narcissist – and shouldn’t they be the bigger person and say “Hello?”
This is just a function of our ego – wanting to “appear a certain way”.
My answer was this: “If I ran into an ex narcissist there would be nothing from me, no acknowledgement, no words, no energy. Nothing … not a thing. Even if they acknowledged me there would be nothing.”
The reason being: narcissists are Not My Reality.
They don’t get any energy from me – ever.
I know if I connect, even with a glance or an acknowledgment, I’m buying into an energetic, chemical, emotional dark void of games, manipulation, agendas, nastiness, undermining and ego …
… that’s always unhealthy, unsavoury, soul-destroying and toxic.
I wouldn’t pick up a heroin needle, or a crack pipe … so why would I pick up a narcissist again?
I hope this article helps – a lot …
It’s a lot to take it.
Self-reflect this information and apply it to what you know about your life … and really think about and feel into how these states have played out in your life … and do the research about bodily chemical addictions – at a scientific level – if you want to understand more.
Addiction is serious, it’s deadly and it’s excruciating when it’s got hold of you …
When caught in the addiction … so often we make choices and get addicted to secondary addictions to try to escape the first addiction.
This may be medication, another toxic relationship, or continual victimised narc bashing on abuse forums … or other choices that cause more disconnection from ourselves and more pain and are not dealing with the true reason for the addiction in the first place.
That’s NOT living, and it is NOT the organic life of wellbeing that is our birthright to experience – when we take the path back to the truth.
I want to help you achieve this – because it’s my life mission to help as many people liberate themselves from narcissistic abuse as possible.
Over the last several months myself and my team have been working extremely hard to put together a revolutionary event, to give you the most important information and introduction to my healing system that I possibly can within a 2 hour time frame.
It’s called the 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse, and it’s going live on August 4th.
If you’re still battling with any number of the symptoms of narcissistic abuse, I invite you to join me in this Webinar, because I will be showing you exactly how to transform yourself and your life …beyond even what you thought you were capable of before being abused.
I teach you how to THRIVE.
The event is totally free, all you need to do is invest 2 hours of your time.
Many people as a result of my Webinar, in record time, have started breaking free from the agony and begun to connect to life at levels there were not accessible even before narcissistic abuse
This can be you too …
I hope this article has helped you a lot … and I look forward to answering your questions and comments.